of one

there, i said it. i am bitter. VERY bitter. this always happy-go-lucky, optimistic, half-glass-full, slap-on-smile, pleasant-to-be-around, people-pleasing girl officially has a bitter side. and it cannot be tamed.

my husband is a bit annoyed by this, and at first I even annoyed myself. however, as weeks become months become years and i watch countless couples pop out babies (many of which didn’t even know each other when we were already trying to conceive!), i have started to embrace this feeling. i don’t walk around with a scowl on my face or chip on my shoulder (at least i try not to), but if someone asks me about what we are dealing with or if i hear about another person “accidentally” get knocked up, i show it. we’ve spent years doing everything imaginable (shots, drugs, travel to specialists, acupuncture, herbs) and spent money we do not have trying to achieve what many take for granted. this is more than painful.

i’m angry. i’m pissed.

i’m mad at myself, my body, the universe, stupid people (like the lady today who told my friend she was “selfish for not having kids yet” — the nerve!) and just the whole situation. it’s affected my career, my friendships, our finances, our relationship, our plans, our future, my body, my sanity, my faith. everything. i am very much the same person i was three and a half years ago, but i’m also very different. i’m not living in la-la land anymore. i’m more grounded, more tender, more compassionate and more selfish (there will be an entire post on this topic coming soon).

this is my reality right now and I can’t let it go. it is what it is and it sucks. quite frankly, i think i have every right to be a little bitter given our circumstances. i bet you would be too…

3 thoughts on “ of one

  1. Becky Long says:

    I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to thank you for saying everything I’m feeling. It hurt my heart a little to read your words because as much as I wanted not to feel alone in this, I was also sad to find that someone felt EXACTLY the way I did. I’m bitter too. Five years, thousands of dollars and empty arms…hurts like hell. For what it’s worth…you’re not alone 🙂

  2. dogsarekids says:

    Thanks Becky! It’s very cathartic to write about the feelings I keep bottled up. Please feel free to share with others dealing with the terrible world of infertility. Sadly, there are many of us. We need to stick together

  3. […] About dogsarekids quick and dirty details: 30 years young. married 6.5 years to a dear, patient, avid sports fanatic. recently moved from louisville, ky to small town, ky (my husband's hometown). i consider myself a somewhat eclectic, piecemeal-dressing (my husband's description of my style), champagne-drinking, chocolate-loving, barre-obsessed, dog-consumed, lululemon-loving, slightly-ocd, cautiously-optimistic, pininterest-er, city girl… living in small town americana. i love my family, my friends (near and far!) my husband and our two "kids" — griff (1.5 year old uga-lookalike english bulldog) and flanagan (6 year old, marley-acting, humane society beagle mix). this blog will document much of my passions above, as well as our on-going passion of desperately trying to procreate (unsuccessfully). beware fertility tales and tears, but also lots of laughter, love and soul-searching. most of all, I need a creative outlet to release some of my frenetic energy. it's cathartic. much love. mer View all posts by dogsarekids This entry was posted on Thursday, September 22nd, 2011 at 4:48 am and posted in Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. « of one […]

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