there, i said it. i am bitter. VERY bitter. this always happy-go-lucky, optimistic, half-glass-full, slap-on-smile, pleasant-to-be-around, people-pleasing girl officially has a bitter side. and it cannot be tamed.
my husband is a bit annoyed by this, and at first I even annoyed myself. however, as weeks become months become years and i watch countless couples pop out babies (many of which didn’t even know each other when we were already trying to conceive!), i have started to embrace this feeling. i don’t walk around with a scowl on my face or chip on my shoulder (at least i try not to), but if someone asks me about what we are dealing with or if i hear about another person “accidentally” get knocked up, i show it. we’ve spent years doing everything imaginable (shots, drugs, travel to specialists, acupuncture, herbs) and spent money we do not have trying to achieve what many take for granted. this is more than painful.
i’m angry. i’m pissed.
i’m mad at myself, my body, the universe, stupid people (like the lady today who told my friend she was “selfish for not having kids yet” — the nerve!) and just the whole situation. it’s affected my career, my friendships, our finances, our relationship, our plans, our future, my body, my sanity, my faith. everything. i am very much the same person i was three and a half years ago, but i’m also very different. i’m not living in la-la land anymore. i’m more grounded, more tender, more compassionate and more selfish (there will be an entire post on this topic coming soon).
this is my reality right now and I can’t let it go. it is what it is and it sucks. quite frankly, i think i have every right to be a little bitter given our circumstances. i bet you would be too…