as i referenced in a previous post, one of the things i’ve had to embrace during our journey to have a child is to put myself first (at least some of the time). i was/am far from a saint, but i’ve always, always been a people pleaser and put others before myself. in a nutshell, i’m a “yes girl”. the word “no” really didn’t need to exist in my vocabulary. if you ask, i will do it.
“of course i can help!”
“no really, it’s not a problem at all!”
“oh, don’t worry about it. i’m happy to help!”
if any of these sound familiar to you and find their way frequently into your daily life, then i have one word for you. NO. stand in front of the mirror and just say it over and over and over. then, say it to someone when they ask something of you that just doesn’t work for you (thinking full well you will say yes since you always do). it’s not easy and more than once i’ve gone back to said person and changed my mind (“oh, looks like i can help after all), but it will also get easier and easier each time. and, you’ll learn the world doesn’t come to a screeching halt, your friends are still your friends and your job is still very much okay even when you say that scary little word.
for me, i had to start using that little 2-letter word when i realized i was starting to lose my mind. i was working full-time, traveling 3.5 hours round trip to our doctor weekly (which has since increased to 7 hours round trip — 6 if done in the middle of the night — when we moved a year ago), remodeling a house in our new town (3 hour round trip in the opposite direction), trying to wrap up all my commitments in our “old” town and somewhere in there fit in time with my husband, friends, family and, of course, our two precious dogs (one of which was a puppy at the time we started IVF – awesome timing!).
something. had. to. give.
i’m a control freak, but i’ve finally come to grips with the fact that i have zero control over my reproductive system. i have been poked, prodded and tested so many times and understand that my body simply doesn’t do what it is supposed to do (and will not w/o the assistance of medication). however, even though my body needs meds to ovulate and do what it’s supposed to do, i still do have some control over creating a hospitable environment for nurturing a child.
make no mistake, i HATE, HATE, HATE when people tell me to “relax and then you will get pregnant”. i turn into a cold bitch when i hear this statement. i shut down and retreat from the situation as fast as possible in order to maintain some semblance of sanity and to keep myself from going batshit crazy on someone who clearly just doesn’t get it (and no doubt got pregnant the first month off birth control).
it’s still very much a work in progress and i am by no means proficient at this concept, but i’m getting better. i realize i’m slipping up when i find myself in bed at night frantically trying to race through the list of things i need to do the next day, and the next day and the next day and so on. that’s when i know i need to step back and take a deep breath. it doesn’t always work, but even my husband admits i’m doing better (although this weekend after our whirlwind ballgame/tailgating road trip, i frantically raced around our house on sunday cleaning, unpacking, packing, working out, running errands, rearranging furniture, etc. — sometimes i just cannot relax.)
but for now, this is what is helping me cope with our current reality. no, i cannot control my body’s ability to produce quality eggs and implant embryos, but i can create some semblance of calm, peace and balance in my life which i do believe rolls over into my body.
so, for now, i will continue to say no and work on focusing on me. the exception being chocolate. never say no to good chocolate — especially lindt’s sea salt dark chocolate bar. it’s crack (and i feel partially responsible for their success given the number of friends i’ve hooked on it!).