before you think it’s anything exciting, let me explain. we’re not on a fun-filled expedition with roadies, music and pit stops. although with the amount of time we will be in the car today, we could be at (or very close to) a beach. instead we are headed to Cinci for my fourth IUI today. as referenced in previous posts, my hopes are relatively low for this. yes I’m trying to be positive (you have to be), but i’m cautiously optimistic. i guess you get that way after years of disappointment.
but today feels different.
usually I’m a hot mess of emotions. hormones running rampant from the surge of meds piled up in my body from weeks of injections, physical stress feeling like my stomach is going to burst and splatter eggs everywhere (an awesome feeling — think the feeling of being on your worst period and multiply by about 100), combined with the mental stress of embarking on the two-week wait (again), combined with the financial stress of spending even more of our non-existent savings (our child-to-be’s college fund is drained trying to conceive said child. they better be smart or damn good at a sport and secure a scholarship).
i’m getting worked up typing it all (so maybe it’s not all that different this time).
but this time I have an odd sense of calm. it helps that my husband is joining me today. due to our 7 hour round-trip distance to the doctor and his demanding job, he cannot make alot of appointments. in fact, i had the “sample cup” and “food” to bring his contribution with me today if needed (so romantic).
maybe it will be different this time. wouldn’t that be amazing? just once (or twice) on the ride up, i found myself daydreaming about being able to join my pregnant friends in the “expecting” category. i wonder what that must feel like? but for now, my reality is much different. there is no excitement and love involved in making a baby anymore. only science. i’m an ongoing science project (an “interesting case” according to dr. A).
and i sure hope science can pull through today.
time (two weeks to be exact) will tell…