why, why, WHY?

do you ever have one of those days (or weeks) where you are just angry. pure and simple, no-hiding-it ANGER. well, that’s me today. i’ve never had this feeling post-IUI (or IVF) procedure day. i’m typically emotional and swinging from one extreme to the other of being super hopeful/excited about the possibility of being pregnant and super suicidal/sad about the thought of it failing, again.

but today i’m not really at either of these extremes. i’m just angry.

i woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. my alarm pissed me off (several times), i was/am annoyed by my recent teenage-like breakout from the fertility meds (awesome side effect), i ran out of stevia to put in my hot tea…the list could go on. i quickly decided it should be a “work from home” day, but even that hasn’t helped. i’ve stared at the same pile of work for the past three hours, barely making a dent. sure, i’ve acted all happy and full of rainbows in my emails and phone calls, but that’s certainly not how i feel as i sit here with my hair in pigtail braids wearing yoga pants and a wife-beater.

i’m so angry that i’m so distracted by all this fertility crap that it’s making me even more distracted. how awesome is that?

besides the obvious of being officially “in” another two-week-wait period (which sucks more EVERY time), our puppy is still sick and still at the vet. i haven’t mentioned a lot about this as we kept thinking every day he would be better, but he’s not. and it’s stressing me out / adding to my anger.

i visited him again today and hand-fed him for an hour. it’s a huge step that he’s hungry and eating so this is a good sign. he seems to be feeling better, but he’s still not himself and was still throwing up last night (although it was only green stomach acid since he hasn’t been able to eat since sunday). he wouldn’t even touch the banana the vet brought him (his favorite treat). and, to make it even more sad, he looks like shrek. his white fur is stained a puke green shade from all the vomiting/rolling in it. they haven’t wanted to bathe him yet since it would cause him more stress. sigh. on a happy note, he does seem to be on the upswing so hopefully tomorrow will be his homecoming. meanwhile, i’m trying to figure out how in the world to de-mushroom our yard. we believe that is the culprit of his terrible illness (both dogs had it for a bit). any suggestions are welcome.

the whole things just makes me more angry. why is he sick? why can’t i do anything to help him?
why, why, WHY?

yet another thing i have zero control over and no real conculsion as of why (much like my fertility or lack there of).

thanks for listening to my angry words. maybe this is yet another test of my becoming a mother. clearly i wasn’t being an attentive mom when he chowed down on mushrooms in our yard (if that’s indeed what caused this mess). i think i’ve been tested enough though. don’t you?


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