limbo is my life

limbo.

that’s where i am.  not a mom with the flurry of duties, schedules and responsibilities that accompany motherhood. not a single girl content with spontaneity, excitement  and no commitments/dependents.  i don’t fit squarely into either category.

my mom/parent friends are all-consumed with their roles (as expected). it’s an act of god to coordinate a girls night or movie date sans kids (if i want to walk with them we have to meet at 5am before the kids are up — i rarely make that!). the selection of childless married couples has dwindled to, well, us. i take that back — there are still a few married couples sans child but the number gets smaller daily it seems (and there are none in our small town where that is basically a sin in and of itself). but most of these are either brand spanking newlyweds or just starting the baby making trek (meaning they will no doubt have an announcement in 9-12 weeks –on Facebook). 

my single friends simply live a different life — their focus is on their careers, social expeditions, weekend road trips (Vegas anyone?)  dating (and their hilarious stories that accompany), etc. they can go out crazy late on a wednesday night and be at work thursday with no problem– i can’t do that any more. 

i ‘m neither. i’m in limbo.  i’ve been here for almost four years and it sucks. i don’t  have much  in common with either extreme and feel very,very lonely.

i’ve never really been a person to conform for the sake of conforming (people pleaser – yes, conformer – no). different is good and i typically don’t mind it a bit. but in this case, I want to be part of the “club”.  let me clarify, I by NO means want a child to fit in. NOT AT ALL. that is another super irritating comment — when people tell me life will be fine without a child and they will still like us– like I’m doing this for their sake. “screw you” is what I have to say to that.  i want a child for ME, we want a child for US. i  want the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, holding my child for the first time, sending them on their first day of school, sending them to college, watching them get married and so on. 

but i also want to be done with this vicious nightmare period.

people tell me not to worry — “you’re  young”, “you have plenty of time”, “it will happen when you stop trying”. ALL of these piss me off, royally. sure, I may still be 4 years away from the dreaded over-the-hill “egg” age of 35,  but we’ve been trying for three and a half years. three and a half long, long years. i have put so many things on hold and delayed so many other things. my career, various (multiple) hobbies, road trips, weddings, parties, concerts, family gatherings, job opportunities, financial freedom, etc. a lot.

 the thing is, when you are in the throes of fertility treatments you are constantly in one of three stages: leading up to (injections, 2-3x a week appointments, blood work),  in the middle of (retrieval/transfer days, bed rest, two-week-wait, terrified to pee) or in the horrible aftermath (fetal position, uncontrollable tears, meltdown-mode). that is  life. there is no time for weekend road trips or spontaneous outings. 

granted, i  know this is our own doing. no one is forcing us to embark on this crazy journey — we chose and keep choosing to stay on this roller coaster because we think the “prize” is worth the cost. so, for the time being this is my reality and i guess the only/best thing to do is embrace it and try to keep our eye on the prize that we long for.

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2 thoughts on “limbo is my life

  1. […] to enter the stage 3 of the fertility treatment cycle (mentioned here) — utter despair, depression and fetal position. last night while excitedly packing for our […]

  2. I SOOOOOOOOOO FEEL YOU!!!! Thankfully I live right outside a major city, so I don’t have the small town “look down upons” to worry about. But we’re the last childless couple in our neighborhood, and that SUCKS. We’ve been very lucky to make friends with several others (couples and singles) who don’t have kids yet either, but yes, keeping up with them can be exhausting at times. They have no problem staying up half the night, whereas I’m worried a lack of sleep might keep me from getting pregnant :\ And half the time I don’t feel like hanging out anyway due to the crazy hormones I’m on. Limbo SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

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