infertility anonymous

they should have anonymous meetings for infertility patients. i’m not referring to support groups for women pursuing fertility treatments (those exist in both formal and informal settings). i’m talking about fertility addiction anonymous groups — for those of us 100% addicted to the process of infertility treatments. it’s really no different than gambling…on so many levels.

in the beginning you have these grand ideas and dreams that you will take a few rounds of clomid, pee on some sticks and poof — be pregnant. when that fails, you hesitantly (yet excitedly and naively) embark in iui. you think the first one will work and when/if it doesn’t, you just know the next one will. it has to. right? i mean, we sure didnt have another $2K to drop on another iui/meds so it just has to work when it literally empties your savings account.

but it doesn’t. again. you tell yourself it’s okay…that sometimes it can take more than two times (all the while growing more and more pissed at people who get pregnant with a few pops of clomid, much less naturally — I mean how does that even happen?!).

then they recommend ivf — and that’s where the real gambling comes into play. we’re not just talking about a couple grand anymore. now we’re talking the big bucks — like $10k (ALL out of pocket. on a resident salary). what are you to do?!

gamble of course. the odds are better (closer to 35-45% depending on situation), the reward is spectacular. so you go for it. in my head, i rounded up and told myself basically 1 in 2 people get pregnant on their first try with ivf. sure, we’ll be spending money we do not have and will yet again postpone our ability to actually save for said child, but it will be worth it. after years and years and dollars and dollars, it has to work. right?

but then it fails. not only do you have the deep emotional pain that follows, but also the buyer’s remorse of spending a butt load of money with NOTHING except a bloated belly, terrible mood, hormonal acne and empty bank account to show for it. in one moment you go from excitement and thrill to pure devastation on so many levels. side note: the doctor offices really should think about giving some freebies like casinos– is it too much to ask for a nice bottle of liquor when it fails to help drown the pain?! i’m sure some liquor company would gladly sponsor and/or part of that astronomical fee can cover the $30 bottle of alcohol (note to self — business opportunity — “not-a-fertile-Myrtle vino” anyone?).

then the gamblers mindset comes into play again. do you roll the dice again?!

of course you (we) do. at this point, the financial hole is huge, why not pile on another 10K or so. it will be worth it. right?

do you see the pattern?

we. just. cannot. stop.

we want a child so badly and just know the “next time” we will “hit the jackpot”. somebody has to win — right?

it is a full-blown addiction for some. and i am definitely one of the high-rolling gamblers.

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