perfect timing

gorgeous fall tree in our yard -- changing with the weather. love.

i’ve been thinking a lot about timing recently (probably because it’s fall — the time of year when the leaves fall, the weather changes and the holidays quickly approach).

we’ve been married 6.5 years and for about the past 6.5 years people have been asking us when we will have children. i kid you not (no pun intended). if i had a penny for every time we were asked this question, we probably could have paid for our fertility treatments (and that says a lot — trust me).

“so when are you all going to get busy?”
“when are you going to stop being selfish and have children?”
“you know your mom really wants another grand baby.”
“you’re not getting any younger.”
“isn’t it about time you have children?”
“you don’t want to be too old when your kids are in high school, do you?”

you would be amazed at the questions. from EVERYONE. even people who don’t mean to intrude will ask. on one hand, it seriously pisses me off. i NEVER EVER EVER ask this question. but i’ve also been through years of struggling so i know the details and issues that can be behind these seemingly innocent questions. on the other hand, i also know that people don’t mean to be rude. they don’t always realize how difficult it is for many to have children. in the eyes of many, it’s simply something that happens when you want it to happen.

but at the end of the day, it does take me back to one general question for myself — when is the “right time”?

we didn’t even begin trying until we had been married about 3 years (an eternity for many in the baby making world). but, it was not a good time. my husband was in the midst of surgery residency (and never home). i was working 75+ hours a week building my career. we were busy and, while we knew we someday wanted kids, we weren’t even thinking about them during this time. and, i’m thankful for that. i love that we had the first few years of our marriage for us. what little free time we did have was our time. we could travel, play, sleep in and basically do what we wanted.

later, once we started trying, we went through cycles. while in the midst of an IVF for IUI cycle i would always convince myself the timing was perfect (he was nearing the end of residency, life would settle down soon and be more “normal”). but then, every time it failed, i would go into protection mode and convince myself having a child at that time would have been terrible. after all, i would basically have been a single mom since his residency was insane (let’s face it though — that was my coping mechanism).

and now, we’re finally settled in a small town. we’ve been here over a year and quite frankly the timing seems perfect (and has seemed perfect for quite some time). i have a part time, flexible job. my husband has a stable, good job. we have family in town. all of our friends have kids. it seems perfect.

but is it?

when i go back into my protective mode, i start telling myself that when/if we have kids it’s going to change my lifestyle (which i have very much become accustom to). for example, in the past 3 weeks, i’ve probably spent 5 nights in louisville with girlfriends. it’s usually for work, but i extend the stay and have a girls night, run errands, play, spend the night, etc. that will definitely change. i guess part of me is fearful that my friendships in our old town will suffer. since we’ve moved here, i’ve still had the ability and flexibility to travel back/forth to make parties, random girls nights, lunches, etc. i’ve been able to keep things close to “normal”. but that will be different with children.

but, that’s still what i/we want. i’m ready for this next step. we’re ready. yes, i know it will change our lives forever and i’m 100% (well 99.9% ready) for this beautiful, crazy change to occur. i welcome it with open arms. but, i also am still going to hang on to my “old life” as much as i can. who says you can’t have it all?


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