october 14: obsession

previous post: 10.14.11

my ocd is in full force.

i cannot sleep. i cannot think about anything other than the fact that i might be pregnant. i mean, according to the blood test i am but that doesn’t mean i can keep it. i’ve never gotten this far so i have no idea if my body is capable of carrying a child. all along we have been so focused on getting to this point — now that we’re here we are paralyzed by excitement and fear.

my mind is racing.

i am decorating our nursery in my head (pinterest time consumption is at an all time high), wondering if every wave of the slightest nausea is good (i happily got sick the other day!), obsessively reading about what i need to eat (and not eat), what exercises i can do (and can’t do), how we will deal with our only bathtub being upstairs (our room and nursery are on first floor but the master/main bath is a shower only), the fact that we need a mud room for shoes, jackets, dirt, etc. when the kid(s) get older, if we should put the child under my insurance or his, if the hospital here will accept my insurance (i already called to confirm), and so on and so on.

these are the things that keep me up. all night. i mean, ALL night.

fortunately, i have a very down-to-earth husband. he is definitely my polar opposite and the one person who can truly balance me. he is just as excited as me, but logical in his excitement (whereas i’m already stressing about how our house layout isn’t conducive — slightly crazy). i came home the other night to “what to expect when you’re expecting”…and the best part is he had already read his part.

i am blessed and trying to embrace this moment in time. a feeling of complete and utter bliss (with a little fear mixed in).

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