october 17: new level of crazy

previous post 10.17.11:

i am crazy. i don’t know whether to contribute it to new pregnancy hormones or just my obsessive, controlling personality. i’m betting on a combination of the two creating this chaotic state i seem to be existing in at this moment.

i’m freaking out b/c i really feel nothing — no sore boobs, no exhaustion, no nausea, no morning sickness, no food aversion, no cravings, etc. just normal. in fact, i feel more normal now than i have in years. i don’t want to feel normal–it’s freaking me out. as of now (and i realize this could change) pregnancy hormones have NOTHING on fertility drugs. years of flooding my body full of menapur, clomid, ovidrel, and braville definitely prepared me for the worst. (side note: my friend who is due in december with an ivf baby agreed pregnancy hormones have nothing on fertility drugs. good to know. and a wee bit frustrating that some people act like the world is ending when they are pregnant. hello — i’ve been dealing with it for three plus straight years so don’t act like i didn’t/don’t understand. now, i admit I may eat my words later during pregnancy and will happily do so, but for now it’s nice to know what to expect hormonal mood wise).

so, back to crazy land. my husband being in the medical field knows way too much about the “science” of pregnancy. and me dealing with this for so long and watching so many friends go through it makes a sort of lethal combination. we are almost too scared to enjoy this moment. “normal” people can sit back, enjoy and embrace this beautiful time. but we’re scared shitless. a miscarriage is always sad, but i personally think for someone who has gone through extensive fertility treatments, it’s even worse. this did not come easily for us — unlike some friends i didn’t pee on 3 sticks and then poof had a baby on the way. this has been a LONG, painful, expensive journey. very long. very painful (mentally, physically and emotionally). very expensive. miscarryung at this point would be worse than “normal”. period. some may disagree and we will just have to agree to disagree b/c i’m not negotiating my opinion of this. 

to help alleviate some of our stress, we decided to get another blood test today. just to see if things are progressing. if they were we could justifiably let ourselves feel a little more joy. if they weren’t, we could prepare ourselves for the worst and try to not get our hopes too, too high  (i.e. not decorate the nursery and pick out names yet).

the result was great!!! today we are at 5 weeks. FIVE WEEKS! at this point “normal” hcg quantitative level is between 8 and 7200. I was at 3823! we are pleased and feel a wee bit lighter in the heart today. 

we even told a few more family members and friends who have been with us from the get go (and will probably share on the blog soon!). i can’t wait to share it with the world and on this blog. it’s hard NOT writing about the BIGGEST news we’ve ever gotten. 

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