october 24: wow

previous post 10.24.11:

well, today i opened my “what to expect” app on my iphone and felt a wave of excitement and nausea come over me (and not the morning sickness kind — i haven’t been subjected to any of that just yet!). today, october 24th, i am six weeks (SIX WEEKS!) pregnant. wow. it’s just so odd to see that on a screen — so official and blunt.

i can’t even really explain my feelings right now other than terrified. completely terrified. of course, i’m excited but i am so scared too. i’m scared of miscarriage, i’m scared of not having a healthy child, i’m scared i’m going to do something to cause problems…i’m just scared. am i getting enough protein? am i eating too much sugar? am i eating enough? am i eating too much? am i eating the right things? am i sleeping enough? am i sleeping properly? am i modifying my exercise properly? there are just SO many things to think about and it’s overwhelming.

i crave morning sickness because i feel like it would be a sign that things are working (i haven’t had any yet). right now, my only symptom is exhaustion. i feel like that might be because my mind won’t shut off at night (racing through the above questions) rather than being a result of the actual pregnancy.

i suppose this is a good fear to have though and i’m thankful for it.

my goal right now is to listen to my body. nap when i’m sleepy (i’m not good about this), eat when i’m hungry, eat what my body tells me too, rest when i feel like it, etc.

my ob/gyn (a good friend) is going to do an ultrasound this wednesday since my u/s with dr. a isn’t until next monday. i’m excited, but again scared to death. we should be able to hear a heartbeat…hopefully. i’m not sure i will be able to concentrate until 3:15pm on wednesday. in fact, the thought of it gives me morning sickness…

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