october 26: heart wrenching

previous post 10.26.11:

sometimes it’s really awesome to be good friends with your obgyn. today, i had an early ultrasound to see how our little bean is doing. i go to my fertility specialist next week, but we just couldn’t wait. at six weeks you can sometimes (sometimes — they were sure to warn us) see a heartbeat. and we could definitely see if things were progressing as planned.

i must admit, i was a wreck all day. somehow i managed to workout, go to the grocery, work 1/2 a day, deal with a plumbing issue, etc. but i watched the clock ALL day. however, when i found myself at the doctor’s office at 3:15, i wanted to turn around and go home. i was terrified. it was a deciding moment — it could be that we learn things are not progressing like they should be OR it could be that we learn things are going perfectly as planned. part of me wanted to stay in the “ignorance is bliss” phase where we have been the past few weeks — enjoying (as much as we can) finally being pregnant and trying not to think of all the things that could go wrong. the feeling in my heart (and stomach) were indescribable. petrified excitement. heart-wrenching on so many levels.

and then…we saw the heart beat. a tiny, tiny yolk sac with an even tinier “bean” thumping away on the screen. our baby. our (one) baby is alive and well.

we are ecstatic. this is real and i am in complete love already. i will do anything for this little being growing in me and he/she is barely even the size of a blueberry (i cannot believe i referenced a fruit — shame on me!).

my heart is full and happy tonight and i hope to sleep soundly dreaming of my little bean’s heart thumping as well.

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