this week has been rough. not to worry…everything is fine with the baby and physically we are a-ok. mentally/emotionally, it’s been a rough week.
for starters, work has been insane. several very long back-to-back days use to be doable, but now they knock me on my ass. and, doing them in 5″ platform heels was not the best idea (note to self). i got home late tuesday night 100% wired and exhausted. i decided to tackle making a friend who has been sick some banana bread. well, par for the course when you are tired and stressed, it was a major fail (i assumed baking bread was like brownies — you should underbake. WRONG!). and that sent me over the edge.
i broke down. tears flowed (bye-bye benefits of recent facial) and heaving sobs ensued to the point that i felt physically sick.
and, i vented. every single worry/concern/complaint/issue i am feeling (or have felt) started spewing out of my mouth. i was a mess.
fortunately, i have a wonderful, patient husband who is starting to understand my emotional swings. and, while there really was nothing he could do to soothe my tantrum, he did his best to support me. finally i calmed down enough to go to sleep (after hours of tossing/crying).
the next morning i was able to gain some perspective on my breakdown (thanks to a great friend); and, from that try to figure out what i need to do. i realized a few things:
* my body is changing – a lot.
to many i still look thin and “barely pregnant”, but to me, it feels foreign and wrong. i look in the mirror and i’m shocked. my always lean body is expanding. my first thought is “i need to cut back or hit the gym harder, but i quickly remember the reason it’s growing and dismiss these thoughts. i wonder “where did this growing belly come from?” and “will i ever have my pre-baby body back?”
yes, i want this and i’ve wanted this for years. and, yes, it’s 100% worth it. but, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. excuse my language (mom / family – you really may want to skip this line) but it’s a total mind-fuck watching your body turn into something it’s never been before. i know i will probably get a lot of flack for even bringing up this topic…people who think i should just embrace it and be happy/content. and, to them i say “thank you and i’m trying”. but, the reality is, my whole life i have struggled with body image (i’m a girl — most of us have body images, right?). and this just isn’t easy.
i found this article that helped me with my extreme guilt on this subject. i feel guilty for even having these negative thoughts since it took us so much to get here. what it boils down to is that every person/woman is different. and, pregnancy affects us all differently. this provides some great insight and tips to dealing with the difficult changes that are occuring.
i am blessed. i am happy. and, i am willing to watch my body evolve and nurture baby k (and do what it takes to make him healthy). but, it won’t be a walk in the park every day.
*for the record, i would like to say that i am right on track for my weight gain and i am sure to eat what i need for our little man to grow and be healthy (and will continue to do so), but again, it’s still a constant mind-game
and, now, i’m off to polish off some trader joe’s sea salt chocolate covered almonds (crack). at least they have protein, antioxidants and minerals!