my mind is racing and so full of thoughts that it’s almost paralyzing. obviously i am beyond excited. but i am equally as terrified. i am surprisingly calm about labor (the pain, tearing, possibility of c-section, etc) — honestly i know it will be crazy intense, but i am mentally prepared for it. i think.
what i am completely terrified about is my baby. my friends, mom, dad (who is a pediatrician) and doctor have all confirmed this is 100% normal, and just the start of a lifetime of worries. but it is overwhelming. ive felt a bit off the past few days — coming to the end if this amazing journey that i truly never thought possible has been very emotional. I’ve been oddly anti-social and dazed. the constant wonder of “is today the day” doesn’t help either. and last night, it all came to a head. big time.
we were supposed to join my mother-in-law and family for dinner, but I just didn’t feel quite up to it. my husband went on (at my suggestion) and almost as soon as he walked out the door i dissolved into hysterical tears. you know the type — the gasping for breath, sobbing that you simply cannot control. i finally gathered myself enough to call my mom and the flood gates opened again. all the emotions and fears that have been building came out. I truly am not scared about labor — i just want so badly (more than anything I’ve ever dreamed possible) for our little boy to be healthy. it’s something that has been on my mind from the day we found out we were pregnant 35 weeks ago, but now it is nearly tangible. he will be here tomorrow– and i am simply paralyzed with fear and worry. we’ve had ultrasounds out the wazoo, i’ve eaten healthy and stayed active, i’ve taken all the proper precautions and advice. I’ve done everything i can to have a healthy child. but i still cannot help but worry.
the tears and reassurance actually did help. so did the cuddles and tight squeezes from my sweet husband when he arrived home after dinner.
we have been blessed beyond belief and tomorrow starts a whole other chapter of the amazing and beautiful journey. my deepest and dearest hope is for our baby boy, mark eliot “eli”, to be healthy and strong. nothing else matters.