i have come to the conclusion that girls just have to meltdown every now and then. i can almost set my watch by bi-monthly meltdowns (they are more often, but the mega-meltdown typically happens every couple months). my “big” one happened this week. we had a good weekend, albeit stuck inside all weekend. eli was under the weather friday, pk was on call and the weather was nasty = weekend stuck at home. it was nice though (and i actually cooked dinner for six straight nights last week/weekend meaning i may not have to cook again until may – but that’s beside the point). so, this week kicked off with my long work monday followed by a great day at home with eli on tuesday. but for some reason my productive weekend with eli equaled a non-productive weekend as far as my to-do list. so by the time tuesday night came around and i realized that 1) my weekday coffee/wine detox meant i couldn’t sip my anxiety away 2) we were out of my beloved trader joe’s dark chocolate sea salt almonds (the horror) and 3) my looming to-do list (that is unorganized in my iphone notes, post it notes, backs of receipts, random notepads, etc) was weighing me down…i FREAKED.
full fledged meltdown mode. two hours, lots of tears, a “fight” with pk (i say fight b/c it was mostly me just being crazy and him trying to watch bball!) later and i felt 100% worse instead of better. in fact, i felt hungover (and again, i’m on a weekday wine detox so this was not the case!).
i hate when i do this but i have come to the conclusion it’s part of being a woman AND a mom.
i am in a constant struggle of trying to find balance. i want to spend more time with eli, but i also want to still be “me”. i want to be everything…i just can’t help it. i want to excel at teaching/practicing pilates, i want do a good job for my freelance clients, i want to embrace and tap into my creative side with styling/decor/fashion, i want to push myself to make more out-of-the-box/fun meals, i want to make eli amazing things to nibble, i want to play with eli and help/watch him learn, i want to blog more, i want to update my blog, i want to plant an organic garden, i want to clean out/organize my closet, i want to “pinterest” our back yard, i want to have a spring yard sale, i want to see my friends more, i want to create a new picture collage wall, i want to paint my dining room (oh wait…that happened today!!)…the list GOES ON AND ON. but it doesn’t stop. ever. and neither does my mind. i think this is especially true right now as we enter spring and i have a new burst of ideas and energy. but my time is still the same.
to be honest, i have felt like a complete failure of a mom/wife/friend/teacher/homemaker/business “owner” these days. complete. failure.
i can’t be everything to everyone all the time. logically i know this, but i still try. isn’t that the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result? i keep adding more to my plate, saying yes and striving to do it all…all the while wondering why i can’t ever meet my own expectations.
so, that’s all i have right now. at least when i look in these eyes i can put many of my worries aside for a while. he is just amazing. oh, and a girls trip to nashville with a couple of fantastic free people/trader joe’s purchases/whole foods brown box lunch helped too. 🙂
eli post/update tomorrow (he’s amazing right now!).