for the past few weeks i have been drafting a letter to you in my head for your 1st birthday. there are so many things i want to share with you and teach you that it’s almost paralyzing trying to figure out how and where to start. i hope with all my heart that i am a good mama to you. i am trying so hard, but i am far from perfect. i get so angry with myself when i let little things get in the way of enjoying you and embracing the beauty in the chaos we call life. i will try harder, for you. and, i will keep writing about it in hopes that one day down the road we can read this letter together (and this blog journaling your life) and smile, laugh and cry.
at 9:12am on june 11, 2012, my life changed. forever. every decision i made from that moment forward started with you. it was the most beautiful moment in my life. i always wondered if had the motherly instinct. i actually worried that i wouldn’t. but then i saw your face, touched your skin and looked in to you eyes. and it’s as though the motherly instinct suddenly flooded my body. i now understand when people say they love something so much it hurts and that they would do anything for their child. i get it. i would do anything and everything for you.
there are no certainties in life. it’s hard. there will be temptations. there will be times we disagree. there will be times you will not like me (and vice versa!). i will be your mother, not your friend. i will be hard on you (and you will be on me!). but, i will love you through and through. that is certain. i will support you and love you unconditionally. always. this i promise.
your first year has flown by far too fast and while i miss the tiny little baby i brought home a year ago, i am simply in awe at how much i love each new “phase”. watching you learn and grow is simply beautiful. you laugh now. you smile. you talk (uh-oh spaghetti-o), you climb, you cruise, you chow down, you make (and love) messes. you are the life of the party.
you have brought so much joy and happiness to our family. and, at the end of the day, i remind myself that nothing else really matters. we tried for years to have you and you are everything and more than we could ever have wished for. we have you…our happy, healthy little boy. you complete us.
i don’t want to wish time away as it already goes by far too quickly, but i am excited for each new day with you.
much love to you. forever.